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19 Nov 2012

NHBPM - Day 19 – Monday, Nov. 19

Write about: Life and Death

Being only 20 years old and choosing to the 'Write about life and death' prompt may seem a little morbid, but I want to try and give it a go at tackling a tough topic of conversation. This post has taken me a lot of guts to write, but I believe that it is something to share and not to be ashamed of.

I feel that in the last couple of years dealing with never ending health issues and being diagnosed with a Chronic condition, that I have learnt a lot about emotions and have thought a lot about life and also death from time to time. 

When I left college two years ago and got rejected from my chosen University, I fell into a dull year of nothing, I would get up not knowing where my life was going. I couldn't find a career path I wanted to pursue, and nothing that I had a passion about. I was low and definitely depressed, I started thinking that because my life was going nowhere, why should it continue? By this time I was a year clear of self harm and as much as I thought about doing some unthinkable things, I managed to fight the thoughts off knowing that I was doing so well, though I still continued feeling like I had no where to go in life.

Then last summer I got a job as a nursery nurse, I was unsure at first cause I had never been around younger children but I went for it thinking, what's the worse that could happen? I got stuck right into my job and adored how rewarding the work was. It was a job I believe I was made for. I was possibly the happiest I had ever been. I loved life, I felt like my life was going somewhere, I could see a future. I could notice all my bad thoughts slowly disappearing , and I passed over two years without causing myself harm. I was truly happy!

Then September last year I was hit with an extreme throat infection, and from then on I got more ill by the day. I kept having day's off work sick, uncountable number of doctors visits, and they could find nothing wrong with me. Then a week after Christmas my body gave in and I fell down the stairs one morning before work, I was then signed off work sick by a doctor and had suspected Fibromyalgia , that was later officially diagnosed in February 2012. Weeks turned into months, continuously being signed off work, and trying out so many combinations of medication.
    I felt myself slipping down again, I now couldn't do the job I loved so much, the thing I saw myself doing for the rest of my life has been taking away from me. I hit low's like never before, I hated myself and didn't want to continue on any more as I just couldn't see my life going anywhere. After 10 months off sick I had to officially leave my job role. 

Now I am still looking for work, and fighting against the benefit system. I still have my bad days, the day's where I wish I just wouldn't wake up one morning and for it all to be over, but I can have good day's still day's where I have a little bit of motivation, day's where I remind myself that even though my life has pretty much been taken from me, things will get better and I will fight through it all and see many more day's to come.

From this post I just want to say that when you are dealing with a chronic illness and health issues, you may often just wish for it all to end, for the pain to be taken from you, and even to not have to face another day. But even though I am not a religious person I believe that everyone has a reason to be on this planet , and even through those horrible, crippling bad day's, keep fighting for those good day's, remeber them day's that made you happy , the day's that make life worth living

Thank you for reading.
Take Care
Jayne
xx

2 comments:

  1. Hi Jayne, I hope you don't mind me commenting on your post.
    I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at the age of 21, i've now been suffering with the condition for almost 2 years. Having read your recent blog post's, your story sounds very similar to my own and it's comforting to know that i'm not the only one. I'd love to chat about how the condition affects you etc, if you would like to message me my email address is Talisacomps@hotmail.co.uk xx

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  2. I'm struggling with this blog prompt, too. I admire you for being so open and honest in publishing this!

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